Like the Corners of My Mind

Cleaning up after Pumpkin's dinner tirade one night, I caught a commercial for an Alzheimer's medication. The woman in the commercial left her keys in the frig, not too different from my experience of finally discovering my cell phone in a toy bin after spending hours looking, waiting and listening. I searched the web and found a check list of the 10 signs of Alzheimer's (http://www.alz.org/). Having read them, I'm almost convinced my journey through motherhood could easily pass as another form of dementia.

10. Changes in mood and personality. They may be easily upset at home, at work, with friends.
Two temper tantrums, 1 nap refusal, 2 more temper tantrums, 4 loads of laundry, play time, clean up time, vacuuming, dishes, bath time and bedtime now elicit the readily available tears. And when I say tears, I mean the ugly cry: shedding crocodile tears which result in swollen under eye skin, puffy enough to float myself behind Big Bird in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

Also, I'm not sure if it happened after changing the 83rd diaper explosion followed by picking up Sean's dirty clothes off the bathroom floor or waking up every 2-3 hours the entire first year, but my anger threshold took a nose dive into the Pacific.

This change in inertia also sparked an occasional curse word. Not something I'm proud of in the least, but since my departure from sweet, polite single-dom I've now embarked upon rip roaring motherhood & I'll regrettably let one slip without a second thought or even a blink. Ever hear an innocent child swear? Mama's got alot of nerve looking as surprised as everyone else...

9. Withdrawal from work and social activities.
If only my butt fit into the jeans in my dresser drawer, I would go out, but how am I supposed to know I don't fit into them when wearing sweatpants practically every day? On the off chance I do leave the cave, what do I talk about? The kiddo.

8. Decreased or poor judgement.
-"NO. I don't want you to comb my hair anymore! I like it how it is."
-"OK, Pumpkin."
Two days later, the rat's nest of the universe planted itself in the back of her neck. Awful, torturous and massive. Baby got her first hair sculpt that day, special thanks to the sewing scissors.

7. Misplacing things and losing the ability to retrace steps.
Where in the world is that wretched sippy cup with none other than....milk in it?! Ah, of course. Waiting three long days for me, chucked underneath the driver's seat in the car. Surprisingly, my intolerance to mold has never decreased in spite of my increased familiarity with vomit and feces. Who knew? This also explains why I have no "real" Tupperware, the durable stuff my mom had from an actual Tupperware party, in my house.

6. New problems with words in speaking or writing.
"Huney, have you seen the thing with the thing? I put it right next to the thing. You know where that is, babe?" I used to remember exactly what I wanted to say and then say it in the exact moment I needed to. Now if that happens, it's a total fluke and considered authentic miracle material for a written testimonial to Reverend Billy Graham.

5. Trouble understanding visual images and spacial relationships.
Me bed, him couch.

4. Confusion with time or place.
I have woken up and rushed myself and my child to doctor's appointments and therapy appointments. I have packed snacks the night before for said child and even blown my hair out that morning. I have lugged the big diaper bag, umbrella, stroller and baby to check in, only to do an immediate about-face back home because the appointment existed on a different day.

Can I please just stand in the hallway so the doctor and nurses see me as they go into the next room? I really want them to think I have it together!

After three rounds of this scenario, a half-hearted attempt to make sure I looked semi-decent and only one snack in the small diaper bag preceded all appointments. Why make the effort to sit in my car and look cute for the drive home?

3. Difficulty completing familiar tasks at home, at work or at leisure.
Hmmmm....it's awfully quiet. (Thud.) Oh, crap! Pants up, mid-stream. Nuff said.

2. Challenges in planning or solving problems.
Too much month at the end of the money? Where did the paycheck go? In walks my 52 cents per diaper Princess holding the new toy I bought to solicit good behavior so people in my hometown didn't call DCFS because of my child's ill-timed public temper tantrum.

1. Memory changes that disrupt daily life.
When we moved in to our first home as a family, the sky was blue, the sun was shining, the neighbors were friendly. When we moved out, they might as well have planted a "Good Riddance" sign in our front yard. I don't blame them.

For a time, our house alerted everyone in our unit to the potential that theirs could deliberately combust. Since Pumpkin's arrival, I have seen and smelled more smoke from burned pizza, toast and melted baby bottles, permanently seared to the bottom of mulitple pots. Admittedly, remembering to turn the stove or oven off while completely covered in spit-up has its challenges, many of which I've failed.

Conclusion: I am living proof that Mommy Brain lives and thrives. I used to daydream and sing songs that got stuck in my head. Now when I stare off into space and Sean asks me what I'm thinking, I say, "Nothing." Truly, I literally think nothing sometimes just to give my head a rest. Unfortunately, I'm not quite sure what rest it needs since I remember a fraction of what I used to.

They should make memory pills for mothers so those of us who don't quite fit into the cape of Supermom can at least give it a whirl.